marriage advice

She Was Someone Who Couldn't Say No -- Is That You?

In my book, Yes! I Said No!, I share the example of Susan, a client who came to see me because of extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and depression.  

Over the years, she had adopted an unhealthy lifestyle, one of trying to please others. She was someone who couldn’t say “No.”

The step-by-step process I utilized in the office with her and others like her, was so successful, I began to conduct workshops to help others. 

Maybe you can relate to Susan. 

Maybe you're sick of feeling unheard. 

Maybe you're sick and tired of fighting, disagreeing, and going over the same issues over and over. 

Maybe you're tired of feeling stuck. 

Maybe you didn’t learn how to live differently. You weren’t taught. By recognizing this, you're not throwing anyone under the bus or blaming. You ARE saying you didn't learn. And, it’s ok – because you can get the tools now! 

master_class_graphic_social.jpg

I created this masterclass for you — if you want LESS STRESS & MORE SUCCESS.

In this class, you will get keys:

  • To improve your marriage.

  • To create closer family relationships.

  • To say no without blowing up, wimping out or running away.

  • To stop being a people pleaser.

  • To care for people without carrying them.

  • To restore healthy relationships.

  • To be more confident. 

  • To experience less stress and more success in work relationships – with bosses, colleagues, and clients.

  • To more easily talk to people, 1:1, small groups, large groups.


BENEFITS:

Reduce Conflict.

Reduce Stress.

Build Rapport Fast.

Become a more Confident Communicator.

Get effective, efficient, comfortable, and have more fun.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

  • Use your new awareness to understand yours and others' behaviors over the years.

  • Take the codependency assessment and gain new self-awareness. 

  • Stop hurting your relationship. Use your new awareness to build your relationships.

  • Reduce stress by communicating more clearly in a way you never could before.

  • How to serve others more successfully.

  • How to build rapport quickly which means that you build trust and agreement more easily.

  • How to use in a group as well as 1:1.

  • GET MORE CONFIDENT.

DETAILS:

  • Intimate class setting – 20 seats max. 

  • Class worksheets – which means no more scrambling to take all the notes!  

  • 4 classes versus 1 crammed-jam-packed-mega-class – which means you have time to process and ask questions.

  • Group Coaching — which means you will learn with each other. 

  • Break-out sessions — which means you get to practice.

  • Miss a class? It’s ok! You’ll get the RECORDED LINK.

  • Four one hour LIVE ONLINE dynamic classes taught by Barbra Russell. 

WHEN:

Saturday mornings, July 11, 18, 25 and August 1, 2020

At 10 A.M. Mountain Time 

(Schedule conflict? No worries. Register to get recorded links.)

WHERE:

You’ll get a unique Zoom link once you register.

Would you like to give a registration as a gift to someone? Email me.

Do you need a payment plan? Tap here.

Do you still have some questions? Email me.

Email: barb@barbrarussell.com

INVEST IN YOURSELF

What you get:

  • The opportunity to gather, get encouraged, get equipped.

  • Class worksheets and notes.

  • Codependency Assessment

  • Access to Class Recordings

  • Dynamic class, group coaching, and tools to boost your communication and impact your relationships.

The Quarantine/Crisis/CoronaChaos Discounted Price, for Summer

2020: $149 

That's a total value of over $500 worth of therapy and tools combined for all 4 classes, for only $149. Tap here to choose the payment plan 37.50 every month for 4 months.

Yes. I want these tools which will impact my communication at work, volunteering, and at home!

This crisis has taken too much from you already, hasn’t it? Get the tools.

  • Say no without blowing up, wimping out or running away

  • Stop being a people pleaser

  • Care for people without carrying them

  • Restore healthy relationships

  • Be confident! 

Yes. Sign me up, sign me up!

I still have some questions.

Email Barbra at barb@barbrarussell.com 

Live your best life, starting now! 

Negative Assumptions -- They're Killers

anxiety.JPG

Negative Assumptions – They’re Killers

 “The doctor didn’t call today; I know that means the test results are bad and they just don’t want to tell me.”

“She looked upset; I know she’s mad at me.”

“He didn’t text.  He doesn’t love me anymore.”

“They didn’t even look at me or say hello or anything today.  I know we’ll never be friends again.”

Have you ever thought things like this?  Naaaahhhhhh not you, right?  Guess again.  I believe I can truthfully say that most people have experienced this worrisome condition at some time in their lives and if they’re prone to anxiety and depression, they’re suffering a lot. 

Such assumptions cause stress hormones like cortisol to start racing through your body like a lake rapidly covering all surrounding territory after the dam breaks. When you think about it, you’ll realize negative assumptions arise out of fear.

·         “What if I’m going to die?”

·         “What if I lose that friendship?”

·         “What if we get a divorce?”

The devastation caused by such damage, especially if it happens repeatedly, is severe, ranging from stress and depression to ulcers, illness or divorce.  Even scarier, negative assumptions can turn into self-fulfilling prophecies and you hear yourself saying, like Job of old, “what I feared has come to pass.”

Yet, you can survive and even thrive after you become aware and then begin to capture and change those negative assumptions.  Couples often get caught in this trap, reluctant to communicate because they might not like what they hear.  And so the assumptions pile up against the ever-weakening dam of their relationship.

Turn the tide by learning from this couple I cited in my book, “Yes! I Said No!”

Todd recently asked his wife Sandra this question: “What did you mean by that?”

His question took her by surprise because he had never asked her that before.  But his tone was respectful, with a genuine “I-really-want-to-know” attitude.  She quickly recovered from her surprise, and they began to discuss an earlier conversation.  As they talked, both realized he had misunderstood something she had said.

It was a good thing he asked the question.

Don’t be afraid to ask the question.  Face your fears and call the doc’s office; get up your courage and reach out to your friend.  Or, do what Todd did and ask your spouse, “what did you mean by that?”

Your relationships will grow closer; your body will appreciate the necessary care you give it, and most of all you won’t let negative assumptions rule you – because they can be a killer.

 

n

How to Have a Healthy Relationship

I was honored to be a resource for this article by Meg Scanlon. Check it out for some specific and practical tips:

https://lovetv.co/how-our-brains-are-designed-to-look-for-whats-wrong/

Jerry & Barb by tree.jpg

How Our Brains Are Designed To Look For What’s Wrong

How Our Brains Are Designed To Look For What’s Wrong

20 Sep

How to turn it around in a relationship

We all want to live our best lives and have the healthiest relationships possible. But we may not know how to get there and what to do. I spoke with Barbra Russell, MA a counselor, speaker and author of Yes! I Said No! about how we can create and maintain a relationship of optimal wellness.

Creating Boundaries

We know that boundaries are important. We understand that we should have them and we know when it feels like someone has crossed them. But how do we set and maintain good boundaries? The biggest fear most people have with boundaries is coming across as rude, harsh or mean, especially when it is someone we care deeply about. We may also worry that we may hurt someone’s feelings or that they may not want to continue to have a relationship with them if we have a serious discussion about boundaries. We want to compromise, but we also need for our own needs to be met. 

Barbra Russell gives us 3 steps to follow when setting a boundary. 

“Step 1: Say what you don’t like (without attacking the others character) Step 2: Say what you want (specifically) Step 3: Set a consequence.”

This sounds pretty simple, but let’s look at exactly how to put it into practice. Barbra explains two examples. Here is an example of a woman who might set a boundary, “Step 1: We’ve been so busy, we don’t take time to show affection and that’s important to me. 

Step 2:So I’d like for you to kiss me every morning before work and we talk to each other for at least half an hour after the kids are asleep. Step 3: I’ll remind you for a few times until we make this a habit.” 

Here is an example of a boundary a man might set, according to Barbra, “Step 1: I need time to myself when I first come home from work so I can clear my mind.

Step 2: I’d like 30 minutes of quiet time before I help with dinner or with the kids. Step 3.I’ll go into my ‘man cave’ every day for 30 minutes.” 

It can feel scary or needy to ask for more affection or for time away from your significant other and kids. We may worry we will hurt their feelings or make them feel judged or criticized. But if we don’t communicate our needs, we can feel stressed or resentful and that can be toxic to a healthy relationship. 

When expressing what you don’t like, try to make it a request that your partner can easily fulfill. Try to keep emotions such as anger, frustration, etc out of the equation. Make sure what you want is something reasonable and specific. The consequence should not skew negative. It may take some time to put the new actions into place, since it can take some time to change and break a habit. So be patient and kind to your partner as this transition is happening. Also ask for your partner to be patient with you. 

Communication Between The Sexes

Communicating with anyone can be hard, and there are some fundamental differences in how men and women think and communicate. Understanding these differences can help us feel more seen and heard. Barbra explains it very clearly, “She ‘connects’ more memories, words and thoughts faster, and tends to talk ‘in  circles,’ bringing up one thing, then another before arriving at the final thought or solution. His brain works more efficiently, thinking in a ‘straight line,’ solving a problem by quickly giving advice or a solution.” 

Communicate directly what you want from your partner. Barbra gives the examples, “She says, ‘I just need you to listen, while I talk this through.’ He instructs, ‘Write down what you need me to do, because I’m likely to forget.”

Again, ask for what you want and communicate what you think can be helpful to your relationship. Make sure it is a request and an actionable step, such as writing something down or listening as someone processes their thoughts. Keep any judgements out if, you don’t want to judge your partner for thinking and processing things differently that you do. Use positive reinforcement to encourage each other. 

One main reward is your relationship will probably start to feel easier and you will both feel more supported. Compliment each other frequently and let them know how much you appreciate them doing what you asked for and explain how it makes you feel so much better. 

This is a process, so patience is key. Understanding these communication differences can help same sex couples and can also help you communicate in friendships as well. If you identify as gender fluid or non-binary then you may find yourself falling somewhere along this spectrum. 

How Our Brains Look For What’s Wrong

Sometimes couples that have been together for a while start to focus more on the negative aspects of their relationship and less on the positive ones. They may lose sight of what brought them together initially. 

This can become even more challenging as couples build a life together, raise children together, focus on extended family and career obligations. Barbra states, “Our brains are designed to look for what’s wrong – a survival mechanism to keep us alive – but in a relationship, the ratio often becomes 90:10, with the 90% of what’s right, what you like about the other person is taken for granted and we focus on the 10% — what you don’t like, what’s irritating, etc.” This can start a negative pattern or downward spiral. Barbra explains, “What you focus on gets bigger.  Therefore, the more you focus on what’s wrong, the bigger problem that becomes.” We have all experienced this in other aspects of our lives as well, where we focus on the negative and the problem spirals. We can begin to feel discouraged or even hopeless that our situation can change.

Barbra offers some helpful solutions, “Compliment more than you complain.” If you find yourself complaining alot, take a step back and try to turn the situation around. Try to compliment your partner on what they are doing well and make them feel appreciated for all of their positive qualities. 

Her second tip is, “Do the things you used to do that made them fall in love.” Maybe you used to go on dates to your favorite restaurant in the beginning but now you don’t anymore because you’d have to get a sitter. Or maybe you used to cook together, but with work schedules you don’t have the time. Try to make an effort to do these things together to make you feel more connected and to just have more fun together. 

Lastly, Barbra states,”Provide safety by listening before you talk.” Let your partner get their full ideas out there before responding. Try not to interrupt. It can be easy to get defensive or feel misunderstood. Even if you don’t agree with their comment, try to really see their point of view and why they may feel this way. You want to get to a resolution and both be understood, not be right or wrong or assign blame. 

Trying It Out

Personally I used to be more hesitant to bring up these conversations for fear of hurting the other person’s feelings or worrying how they would react. I also felt like I didn’t know how to communicate what I wanted to say in the most productive way.  But then I would feel as though the issues would remain and that was stressful in it’s own way. Learning how to communicate in a positive and healthy way has made me feel like my relationships are stronger. 

Try using these skills in your relationships and see if you feel more confident and positive about your relationship and yourself. Being a great communicator can help you not only in your romantic relationships, but friendships, family and work relationships. Setting boundaries and having a positive mindset can make you feel like the best version of yourself. 

About The Author

Meg Scanlon - Meg Scanlon is a writer, actor, improvisor and creator of the comedy website ALittleBitFunny.com. Her work can be seen on Funny or Die, Bark Post, Taste of Home, The List, Home Life Media and Bridgehead Media. She loves flamingos, palm trees, pizza, binge watching Netflix and her really awesome dog Jack. Twitter: @meganrscanlon | Website: www.alittlebitfunny.com | Instagram: megscanlon


ng

The one most powerful thing you can do for someone

Whether it's in a counseling setting, in your marriage, or if you're visiting with a friend, here's the one most powerful thing you can do for that person.  Check out this short video to find out:

https://www.facebook.com/barbra.e.russell/posts/10210790934112265