When Childhood Trauma Drives Your Love Life
They say if you don’t address your childhood trauma, your romantic relationships will. And whoever they are – they nailed it.
That’s not just a catchy line; it’s a reality for so many people, especially those who grew up in emotionally chaotic homes. JD Vance, in his book Hillbilly Elegy graphically describes how this crazy cycle develops and how it impacts your adult life:
• He learned the very traits that helped him survive during childhood didn’t help him succeed as an adult. He’d see conflict and run away or prepare for battle.
• He learned early on to spread out his money lest his mother or someone else find and “borrow” it. Later in life Usha, his wife, was shocked to discover he had multiple bank accounts and small past-due balances on credit cards.
• Usha also had to remind him that not every perceived slight – from a passing motorist or a neighbor critical of his dogs – is cause for a blood feud.
Childhood Trauma Teaches you “Truths” That Aren’t True:
Things like:
• “I’m not good enough”
• “Love has to be earned”
• “People who love me leave”
These beliefs get wired into your emotional operating system – often without your realizing it. And unresolved emotional wounds from childhood don’t just disappear with age. They quietly stow away in the backseat of your life…until you enter a relationship. And then? They grab the wheel – and they didn’t even signal.
What’s Familiar Isn’t Always Healthy
In Hillbilly Elegy, Vance talks about the emotional whiplash of growing up with a mother who cycled through addiction, anger, and brief stints of calm. That kind of instability becomes a blueprint. It teaches you: “This is what love looks like. You expect it to come with strings, rejection or yelling.”
Romantic Relationships Trigger Those Old Wounds
Why? Because close relationships mimic the emotional intimacy of your early family environment. Your partner becomes the mirror – and suddenly you’re reacting to them like you reacted to your parents, caregivers, or early experiences.
This might look like:
• Clinging to someone who pulls away.
• Shutting down emotionally when things get hard.
• Constantly needing reassurance, even if you’re with someone secure.
When real love appears – stable, safe, and without drama – it can seem unfamiliar and dull. You might sabotage it just to feel something familiar.
You’re not crazy. You’re triggered.
The subconscious mind wants resolution. It repeats familiar patterns, hoping this time the ending will be different.
What Do You Do? The Brain is Not Being Cruel – It’s Trying to Heal
1. Get honest about your past. Awareness is always the first step toward healing.
2. Recognize how your past has shaped you – without letting it define you.
3. Do the hard, brave work of rewriting the script.
That means:
a. Therapy. Coaching. Honest Conversations
b. Learn to set boundaries. (Yes! I Said No! is a great resource!)
c. Choose partners who are healthy, not just familiar.
Healing Is Possible (And It’s Not Too Late)
As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I help people untangle the past so they can finally build relationships rooted in truth, trust, and healthy boundaries. Start your healing journey with my book, Yes! I Said No! or reach out to schedule a counseling session with me at www.BarbraRussellcom.
Because healing isn’t just possible – it’s powerful.
Here’s to your best life! Barbra
