Clapping With Your Feet

Clapping With Your Feet    

“I just want to wake up and find out I’m alive,” were Dane’s last words before heading into the surgical suite.  After hearing his surgeon graphically describe the steps involved in performing open heart surgery, I think we were all echoing his wish!   Dr. Miller explained that during the 5-6 hour surgery, he’d make a chest incision, spread the ribs, stop the heart, place Dane on a heart and lung machine which would keep our son alive, then repair the leaky heart valve.  Whew!  Even though in some ways it was helpful to hear, I think that was more information than we wanted to know!  This was indeed scary stuff!

Seven hours later, we entered his ICU room.  Dane’s eyes were closed, a breathing respirator down his throat, and his hands were fastened down, lest he inadvertently pull out one of those life-saving tubes.  Perhaps needless to say, that was hard to witness.  And even though the surgery was successful, I did wake up in the middle of the night replaying the day.

My night-time ruminations made me reflect about others going through such helpless times.   As a counselor, I’ve seen people survive emotional heart surgery, only to awaken to bed-side visitors of fear, anxiety and worry.

Their last words before such surgery may have sounded like, “Please don’t leave me,” “how will we pay the bills,” or “I just want to wake up and this will all be a dream!”  Being in the emotional-intensive care unit often limits one’s field of vision to blackness of present circumstances, as well as a feeling of hands being tied.  On top of that, emotional heart surgery patients often feel God has abandoned them.

However, as Hebrews 13:5 reminds us, God says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  David penned the famous words of Psalm 23 which state, “yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me.”2 Timothy says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of a sound mind!”  When recovering sufferers grab hold of these God-sent promises, what happens next can be as powerful as what occurred in Dane’s recovery room.

My husband joyfully leaned over and spoke directly into his son’s ears – “It’s over, and you’re alive, son!”  We weren’t sure he really heard that for a minute, but then we noticed movement under the covers at the foot of the bed.  It looked like one of those trained seals at Sea World moving its flippers.  And then we realized, Dane was

clapping with his feet!

Even though he couldn’t speak or respond normally, Dane was applauding, letting us know he was glad he was alive!  Tears ran down our faces as we rejoiced with him.  And from that praise grew hope, which morphed into encouragement, and then a rallying cry from deep within, “No matter what happened, I’m still alive – I’ll make it!”

If you ever feel discouraged by events beyond your control; if you’re feeling sorry for yourself because things aren’t going as you planned, and you feel your hands are tied, your voice is silent and your eyes tightly shut, just remember:  You’re still alive!  And if the enemy of your soul tries to tell you there’s nothing you can do, keep this in mind – you can still clap with your feet!  Let praise be your avenue to healing and hope; the strength to carry on.

Yes! I said No!

How to Say NO!  Without Blowing Up, Wimping Out or Running Away

 No! – A simple, two-letter word. Should be easy to say, right? No! In my experience, this small declaration of independence is often the result of a hard-fought war within the mind. Victory can be won, but the battles are tough!

Dr. John Townsend, author of the book Boundaries, says that “No” is the Christian curse word – that’s a pretty strong statement but with so many believers who “can’t say no,” I can see why he would say such a thing! Let me give you an example:

A young man recently confessed he had been asked to be a youth leader, Sunday school teacher, greeter, deacon and part of the leadership team at his church. He had a wife and two small children and oh by the way, he also worked a full-time job!   While he enjoyed each aspect of his involvement at church, it soon became obvious his priorities were messed up!

He wanted to say no, he needed to say no, but he said yes anyway. As a result, he had begun to feel used and resentful; on his way to burn-out.

He, like many of us, needed to learn how to say no without blowing up, wimping out or running away.    What do I mean by these terms?

Blowing up! – We “take it” and “take it” and “take it,” until we can’t “take it” any more! Like the young man above, we take on too much! From a place of resentment we explode in anger, and usually the relationship is blown up as well!

Wimping Out – We don’t want to agree, but we also can’t quite get up the courage to say no. So we excuse ourselves by muttering things like: “If I don’t agree, they’ll be mad,”

“They’re in a bad place right now.” “They need me.”

“They won’t like me.” We can find plenty of reasons to “wimp out!”

Running Away - When you try to avoid the other person, change the subject or come up with a bunch of excuses. These are often the people who burn out and stop doing ANYTHING, going from one extreme to the other.

                                                 The question then becomes:

 How do we say no without blowing up, wimping out or running away?

 Pass the “P’s” Please

 A couple of “P’s” can help: -- Planning and Practice. Let’s talk about Planning first:

Planning – If you haven’t been very good at saying “No,” you will need to be prepared; get some tools for your toolbox. Here are three: Tool #1 – Keep It Short and Sweet

Don’t explain, but keep your “no” short and simple. Too often, people feel obliged to expound on why they need to say no. However, the longer the story, the more others can find reasons why that doesn’t work (for them!)  “Oh, don’t worry,” they’ll say, “it won’t take that long,” “it’s just for this time,” etc. etc. etc.

I recently called to cancel our TV subscription. You know what’s that like, right? They have specially trained people to talk you out of cancelling and often, you wind up signing up again!

I was prepared this time, however, with something I call

Tool #2 – The Broken Record Technique 

Me: “I want to cancel our TV subscription.”

TV Employee: “Oh, what brought you to this decision?” (ready to counter any objections I might offer)

Me: “Broken Record” – repeated same thing: “I just need to cancel our TV subscription.”

After a couple of other efforts to get more information from me, the employee said, “well, it’s your decision. We’re sorry to lose you as a customer.”

Yes! I was able to say No!

Tool #3 – Learn a New Phrase – “Let Me Get Back To You”

             Suppose you’re asked to add something to your already full schedule and you know you don’t have time. However, you’re filled with anxiety when you even contemplate “disappointing” them.   It’s important not to use this as a “wimp out;” which can drive you to say, “Sure, I’d be happy be help! Instead, you pull out Tool #3 and say, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

Within 24 hours, call and say, “I’m sorry; I checked my calendar and I can’t do that. I wish you all the best!” If necessary, use Tool #2 – Broken Record – and simply repeat what you’ve already said. Then, pump your fist and say, “Yes! I was able to say No!”

Ok, you’ve Planned and you’re Prepared; the next step is to Practice. We can have very satisfying conversations in our heads that don’t translate to our tongues very well. When you practice, familiarity brings comfort and confidence.

Practice using each of the tools listed above:

• In front of a mirror
• With someone else
• Writing down exactly what you want to say

Then – enjoy the freedom which comes from Learning To Say No Without Blowing Up, Wimping Out or Running Away!

If It Doesn't Work, Do Something Different!

If It Doesn’t Work, Do Something Different!

 “Remember the Alamo!” That rallying cry is what came to my mind when I instructed my client to “Remember the Bagels!” It may sound a bit silly, but those words are to remind her of an important principle:

 

 “If something works, do it more! If it doesn’t work, do something different.”

 What, you may ask, does that have to do with remembering bagels? Well, I’ll tell you.

“Susan” stated she had been trying to please her husband for many years, but it seemed nothing she ever did was right or good enough. A recent example, she said, was the daily bagel run. Her husband was very busy, with an important job in the community so her assignment was the "bagel run.” She would go pick up the special bagels he liked and have them ready for him to eat before he rushed off to work.

However, there was always something wrong with the bagels. They were sliced when he didn’t want them sliced, they weren’t the right kind and she didn’t get his order right, etc. etc. He always complained, and she began to feel resentful, used and abused! Then SHE was the one who began to complain -- to others, of course! She didn’t like that role and now sought my help.

She tried many things that didn't work:

She told him how she felt – unappreciated, criticized and unloved

• She tried to keep doing it better
• She tried pouting
• She tried the silent treatment
• She tried getting angry and slamming doors
• She asked him to stop complaining every day about the bagels.

Nothing worked – he never changed.

This scenario reminded me of Dr. Phil’s famous quote “How’s that working out for you?” In other words,  If it doesn’t work, do something different!

 Well, what she had been doing didn’t work – it was time to do something different!

The next day that’s exactly what she did – something different!!  She very kindly said, “Since I can’t ever get your bagel order right, you’ll need to take care of that yourself.” Well, that changed things a bit – he said, “that’s ok, I’m sure you’ll get it right next time.”

(Have you ever noticed boundary-breakers will try any means necessary to keep things going their way!!?)

But she didn’t budge from her new-found resolution and let him get his own bagels.

A week later I received a call: “It worked!” she almost yelled. “It worked! He actually started going after his own bagels!”  

After celebrating with her, we came up with something she can do or say to keep doing what worked – and “Remember the bagels” became her own rallying cry.

 “Remember the bagels” - I’m taking charge of my life!!

 “Remember the bagels” - I don’t have to yell or pout. 

Along the way, she had learned some important principles:

•  You can’t change someone else
• Stop complaining about what’s wrong and DO something
• If it works, do it more. If it doesn’t work, do something else!

So ask yourself, “What’s not working for me? Instead of hoping those 15 pounds will just magically come off your hips or that your friends or co-workers will start treating you with a little respect, what can you do that’s different? When you discover what works, do it more   

The hurricane principle

Psychological principle:   What you focus on gets bigger.

(or how I like to think of it -- the Hurricane Principle)

This principle can work for you or against you. You keep worrying, fretting, obsessing on why you're not yet successful or what's wrong in your life and, per this principle, those thoughts keep swirling in your mind, getting bigger and bigger until the fear of failure becomes the fact of your reality!

Conversely, when you begin to pay attention to, recognize and praise small steps of achievement, like a hurricane gaining momentum, you too can become who you want to become!

Something Worth Fighting For

Something Worth Fighting For

     Once upon a time, a young man was thrown into a cage of lions and quickly cornered by the huge beasts who were roaring and pawing the air, playing with him before he was torn to shreds. He cowered in the corner of the cage, feeling totally powerless and hopeless, finally winding up in a fetal position on the cold, damp floor, waiting for death.

Abruptly, silence filled the enclosure like heavy fog. The young man sensed the lions were gone. "What was happening?" he wondered. And then suddenly he again heard the terrible sound of lions roaring! To his abject horror, he saw his beautiful fiancé lying sprawled on the opposite end of this prison cell, surrounded by the threatening lions.

Without giving thought to his own safety, the young man jumped to his feet, adrenaline surging through his body! He ran head-long toward the lions, screaming, yelling, frantic to do anything to save his bride-to-be! His sudden, threatening appearance seemingly confused the lions, and they backed away.

The lion tamer standing nearby stated, "I see you've found something worth fighting for."

Now, most of us probably won’t wind up in a lion’s cage fearful for our lives. Generally, our lions are not physical animals. Our lions are internal, emotional thoughts – but they’re just as threatening as those four-footed kings of the jungle. We tremble in jail cells of silence, mouths internally taped shut lest the past come bursting forth. Some of those thoughts might sound like this:

“What if they leave me?”

“If people see who I really am, no one will love me or even like me anymore!”

“What if I can’t handle talking about what happened? I’ll wind up in the looney bin!”

And so we stay silent. And we stay enslaved.

Some all-too-common “secrets” that can keep us imprisoned:

• Abuse – Sexual, physical, emotional
• Addictions – Drinking, drugs, pornography, gambling
• Affairs – Emotional, one-night stands or long-lasting relationships

My client “Mary” had just such a secret, one she had kept for almost 40 years, but now the prison bars were beginning to bulge and break. Face in her hands, body bent over in pain, she sobbed uncontrollably. Her pain-filled words: "It's all my fault, I can't stand it, I don't know what to do" were repeated again and again.

Her teenage daughter had been raped by Mary's current boyfriend, and now Mary, the self-reported black sheep of her family, the one known for drinking and partying, was faced with emotions she'd never allowed herself to feel.

In the midst of that pain and long suppressed emotions, however, Mary had found something worth fighting for – her daughter.

For the first time, Mary confessed she too had been sexually abused at the age of 5 or 6. All the anger, hurt, confusion, pain, betrayal and shame she had pushed down deep into her soul and covered with alcohol, promiscuity and hanging out at the bars came rushing up in a volcano of suppressed emotions as she saw her daughter thrown to the lions of sexual abuse.

For the first time, she didn't seek refuge in a bottle or at a bar

For the first time, she began saying aloud what her inner self had been hiding for many years.

For the first time, she was facing a lot of fear, but she was looking her tormentor straight in the eyes and not backing down!

For the first time, Mary has the chance to heal, to hope, to recover. She had found

Something Worth Fighting For

             Have you found something worth fighting for? Something that makes you give up the addiction to silence, denial and running from the past? “John” had a drinking problem caused by, he shamefacedly admitted in a counseling session, the need for his father’s approval. “Susan” feared what others would think of her if she was truthful. She had been lying for years, about things large and small. John and Susan, like Mary, found a life of freedom when a DUI and a divorce respectively brought them to a place where they found something worth fighting for.

It’s actually quite amazing what you can do when you come up out of the corner with a fighting spirit. You may need to ask for help. You may need to learn new skills. You may have to take responsibility, take some risks. However, when that desire comes from deep within, you find opportunities instead of obligations, freedom instead of fear and purpose that makes you feel alive!

When the lions roar loudly in your life, look around you, look deep inside you – and find something worth fighting for!

 Barb’s Stories From The Couch

Words to inform, motivate, challenge and inspire