How Adding This One Word To Your Vocabulary Can Change Your Life

I’ve spent thousands of counseling hours working with many people who want to say “no,” who need to say “no,” but who say “yes” anyway.

One client was abused as a young child and when she told her mom, she was instructed to keep silent so as not to shame the family. Over the years she felt insecure and ashamed; her biggest challenge became speaking up for herself.

Another client is a husband, a father, a manager at work, coach of his son’s soccer team, volunteer at his church and on call 24/7 as a community fireman. While he enjoyed each aspect of his involvement, he was beginning to feel frustrated and unappreciated. He needed to learn to say “no.”

A third client loved all her large family but as the oldest, she took care of her siblings because mom was an alcoholic and dad was gone. She learned to please everyone because “if people like you, you feel accepted.” Rejection and trust issues led to resentment and bitterness. “Why me?”

These clients are not alone; I too yearned to be accepted and became a parent-pleaser who morphed into people pleasing as a way of life.

I was mortified when my home economics teacher announced to the entire class: “This is terrible stitching; Barbra has shown us the wrong way to sew.” And years later, when my boss asked my opinion, my face burned red and my throat closed down for fear I’d say the wrong thing.

Yes, I was with those who “hang onto known misery rather than reach out for unknown happiness.” Speaking up, being different, or saying no was way too scary.

Yet I, along with these clients, am living a different life because I learned to set boundaries.

Now I want to help others experience the confidence and freedom which comes when you declare, “Yes! I Said No!”

As most of you know, six years ago I wrote a book by the same name which, I’m happy to report, has helped so many. Here’s a few testimonials I’m sharing because I’d like you to help me spread the word about the new hardback edition of Yes! I Said No!

“Barbra Russell, what you said resonated with me! Thank you. You described me. I became a people pleaser to survive in the abusive relationship I was in. It’s taken me over a decade to come back from that and finally say no. It’s only been recently that I recognized that I was still shutting down emotionally and using that learned behavior even though I wasn’t physically living there. I still have to deal with my son’s father because of my son, but I have learned to stand up for myself with him for my son.”

“Thank you, Barbra. I was just reviewing your video and love what you share about boundaries. You are very relatable and you speak from the heart. You share transparently about how boundaries used to be hard for you AND THEN GIVE US TOOLS to set better ones for ourselves. Just brilliant!”

“Barbra’s book Yes! I Said No! truly changed my life. Coming from an Amish background, I was well equipped to meekly obey and always say yes, but it did not bring peace to me or my relationships. Barbra’s book and workbook are thin, easy to read, easy to remember, and the uncomplicated tools made navigating relationships so much easier.”

There are three questions on the YISN book jacket:

o Is it hard to find time for yourself?

o Do you often ignore what you want, and focus instead on what others want?

o Do you find it difficult to speak up for yourself?

Ask some of my clients who’ve answered yes to all these questions and as a result have been silent most of their lives. They couldn’t handle conflict, and felt they had no choice but to be people-pleasers. “Boundaries” was a foreign word. No longer. Now “freedom” is their favorite feeling, and “boundaries” a familiar concept.

Check out this dust jacket with the new picture and classy look – (thanks Meg Delagrange Belfon). Yes! I Said No! is now available through Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart, Books-A-Million and other places around the world! My dream of this book affecting thousands of people is coming to pass! The first edition has been out for over 6 years and people are still ordering it –from as far away as the UK and Canada. Here’s some of what you’ll find in YISN:

o Why Is It So Hard to Say No?

o People Pleasing is not a Spiritual Gift

o How to Care Without Carrying People

o How to Say No without blowing up, running away or wimping out (shutting down.)

You’ll find useful concepts to set healthy boundaries. There's also practical tips to increase your self-esteem like:

o The Power of Deciding

o To be successful, invest in yourself,

o How to develop thick, armor-plated skin.

I love the testimonies I’ve received about people’s lives changing because of this book. People have said: “I’m standing up for myself now at work, at home and in relationships.” “I feel so much more confident and I actually know how to set boundaries. Before, I was always afraid I’d be thought of as rude, selfish or mean.” “I started to say “no” and I’ve grown as a result.”

Now I’d like your help to spread the word. Do you know someone in another city, or state, or another country? Please share this information with them. I’d like for Yes! I Said No! to become the new bible for boundaries. I want people to say no when they need to so they can say yes when they want to.

Will you help me out? Please share with others; buy a book and read it; buy another and send it. “No” is a word you need to add to your vocabulary.

Below are links to some of the places you can order the new hardcover edition of Yes! I Said No!

Amazon:

https://amzn.to/45pTgAw

Barnes and Noble:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/yes-i-said-no-barbra-e-russell/1134184980?ean=9780998077994

Walmart:

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Yes-I-Said-No-How-to-Set-Healthy-Boundaries-and-Increase-Your-Self-Esteem-Edition-3-Hardcover-9780998077994/2777803465?from=/search

Books-a-million:

https://www.booksamillion.com/p/Yes-Said-No/Barbra-E-Russell/9780998077994?id=8896562918651

Do you know someone who struggles with setting boundaries? Please share this blog with them.

Is There Too Much On Your Plate?

How do you tell someone your plate is full? There’s never been a better time to learn what to say, or how to deal with this or other issues in your life. Counseling can help. However, you may have some reservations like this woman I talked to recently.

She said: “I’d like to get some counseling, but……”. I knew what she was thinking:

1. “I can’t afford it.”

2. “I have a hard time asking for help.”

3. “I'm not sure I have the time.”

These are common concerns; however, if you want things to change, you really can’t afford NOT to talk to a counselor.

THE BOTTOM LINE: YOU INVEST IN YOURSELF WHEN YOU SEEK COUNSELING

Here’s something to help you make that decision.

People have recently asked if I offer package deals, and In these stressful times, it only makes sense.

Effective March 1, I am offering three different counseling packages which will save you money and start the process of investing in you – your personal growth, and your start to a different, better life.

Hear what some previous clients have to say:

“God used you in miraculous ways to help me find a new normal! You gave me the courage to push through when I wanted to give up and you kept peeling back the layers until I was able to just say no and have no guilt. I still say to myself in situations: what would Barbra say! Thank you for being you and all that God designed you to be! Love you always!”

“My sessions with you have helped me stop fighting with my adult daughter and now our relationship is so much better. Thank you, Barbra”

“You helped me recognize I had a mental health disorder and working with you has been the biggest blessing of my life! It has made such a world of difference; you’re an absolutely amazing therapist.”

Here’s the good deal

Cost for Counseling: Per Good Therapy: in most areas of the country, a person can expect to pay $100-$250 per session.

My current therapy fee is $100 per hourly session. With a choice of these three different package deals, you can save from $50 to $250.

Package Cost

PACKAGE ONE: Three-sessions $300 value: $250

PACKAGE TWO: Six sessions $600 value: $500

PACKAGE THREE: Twelve sessions $1200 value: $950

Research has shown common benefits of counseling such as:

1. Improved communication and interpersonal skills

2. Greater self-acceptance and self-esteem

3. Ability to change self-defeating behavioral habits

4. Better expression and management of emotions, including anger

5. Relief from depression, anxiety or other mental health conditions.

Take advantage of one of these packages or purchase a gift certificate for someone else by contacting me today. Confidential sessions are available online wherever you are located. Call 720-263-6257 or send me an email at: barb@barbrarussell.com

I’d love to hear from you, Barbra

p.s. I also offer individual and group classes based on my book, Yes! I Said No!

In these classes I help people learn how to set healthy boundaries. Because, let’s face it, many people try to do everything and please everyone. Men and women interested in growth hire me to help kick the habit of saying yes when they need to say no.

“With Barbra’s book, almost all my relationships have improved. (A scant few of them I walked away from completely because the relationship did not bring peace) And that’s a really big deal to me because relationships were a mystery to me. It’s all fun and games at the start but what if one of you steps into the weeds? I didn’t want to just cut people from my life. I wanted to know the secret to walking with them without inadvertently being drawn into worthless drama and becoming exhausted.”

Contact me today

720-263-6257

barb@barbrarussell.com

Nosy People - How Do You Handle Them?

It’s holiday time – families gather around tables, or you’re with coworkers at the annual Christmas party.

The scene sounds like an idyllic picture, right? But if you’re the one captured by well-meaning but nosy people, you can feel like you’re trapped in a prison cell,.

“When are you going to have kids?” “Are you ever going to get married?” “What kind of job is that?” “How much money do you make?” The list can go on and on.

How do you, an adult with your own life, respond? Most of us don’t want to be rude in return, we want to be polite, but we just don’t want to answer such questions. We figure, “It’s my life; it’s none of your business.” Actually, it's becoming more common to be child-free. A Forbes October 2022 article stated a significant portion (44%) of non-parents aged 18 to 49 years old say it's unlikely they will have children.

A reporter recently asked me to help her with a story she was writing on being child-free. Her question: “how do you handle or shut down the sometimes intrusive and prying questions women get over the holidays from friends and family?”

I gave her some tips, some of which are taken from my book, Yes! I Said No! How To Set Healthy Boundaries and Increase Your Self Esteem. You can change the wording to reflect any situation you might encounter.

Five tips:

1. Prepare ahead of time. When you're caught by surprise, you may stumble, stutter or make little sense.

2. Don't be defensive, feeling you must justify your being child-free.

3. Don't explain - keep your answers short and sweet

4. Use the broken-record technique - if they keep pushing, repeat your chosen phrase.

5. After your response, follow-up with a question - How about you? Do you have kids? How old are they? Or other questions about hobbies, travel or the latest movie they've seen.

Specific phrases you can choose and practice; again, I’ve written them with a “child-free focus.”.

• I don't know whether I'll (we'll) have children or not. I'm taking my time to think about it, and I'm happy with that decision.

• I've (We've) decided not to have children.

• Dolly Parton said: "Since I had no kids and my husband was pretty independent, I had the freedom to achieve my dream of becoming a country star." You can say something similar.

• We want kids someday, but it's not in our plans right now.

Worst-case scenarios to the rude and pushy person who won't let it go:

• I know you mean well, but this is a personal decision.

• Oh, why were you wondering? (use humor). You need more kids for the baseball team?

This year don’t dread the holidays. Experience the freedom that comes with setting boundaries.

I

Oprah Winfrey Couldn't Set Boundaries

Oprah Winfrey Couldn’t Say No

            Oprah once said, “I was 40 years old before I learned to say no.  I was consumed by the disease to please.  The word yes would be out of my mouth before I even knew it. 

            After years of listening to other people’s stories, I finally recognized where this came from for me.  Having a history of abuse also meant a history of not being able to set boundaries.  Once your personal boundaries have been violated as a child, it’s difficult to regain the courage to stop people from stepping on you.  You fear being rejected for who you really are.  So for years, I spent my life giving everything I could to almost anyone who asked.  I was running myself ragged trying to fulfill other people’s expectations of what I should do and who I should be.” 

            Perhaps you’re not famous like Oprah (who is, right?). Perhaps you’ve not been abused (although many have).  But you may very well have become a People Pleaser.  (I was) And you may have a hard time saying no. 

            Here’s the good news:  In my book Yes!  I Said No! I discussed why it’s so hard to say no, that people pleasing is not a spiritual gift, and how you can learn to care without carrying.  And now I’ve designed a Master Class to discuss these topics and more.  You’ll also learn from other people in the class.  Other benefits include:

·      Ways to handle conflict in a healthy way

·      Become a Reformed People Pleaser

·      Find Out if You’re Codependent

·      How To Say No

Setting Healthy Boundaries is a skill you can master.  Join me in this six-week Master Class where you will receive specific tools to set healthy boundaries and take control of your life.  Included in this class: 

• Live Teaching

• Live Interaction

• Book and Workbook Included!

• Codependency Assessment

• Practical Tools

• Easy-to-understand

• Practical Tools

• Discount if you already have the books

Every Tuesday evening from 6:00 p.m. — 7:30 p.m. CST from March 22 - April 26th.

I’d love to see you there; click this link for more details and to register: 

https://www.barbrarussell.com/masterclass

STRESSED! Who, Me?

STRESSED! WHO, ME?

Stressed? Who, Me? Yes, you. Stressed? Who, Me? Yes, me.

We all get stressed. And some of us STAY stressed.

But wait!! I have good news!! it gets better as you get older. Yep, the happiest people according to recent research are those ages 60-80.

There are several reasons:

• The older you are, the more self-assured and confident you are.

• Older people have better mental health

• Your life is likely more stable the older you get

• When you’re older, happiness means being content with what you have.

Let’s talk about these 4 points:

1. The older you get, the more self-assured and confident you are.

The search for identity is over

You’ve tried things, failed at some, succeeded in others and learned a lot. All that practice leads to self confidence (It’s why we give our kids chores – they hate them, but it helps them become confident in their abilities.).

Hopefully you, like me, have become a reformed people-pleaser. The practice of setting boundaries pays off.

2. Older people have better mental health

“Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.” Bill Watterson. Older folks have survived enough calamities to learn that lesson.

This quote by Bill Keane is an adage people who’ve lived for several decades know and appreciate.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”

3. Your life is likely more stable the older you get.

Those awkward high school years and tumultuous 20’s are seen from the rearview window.

You’ve formed solid relationships – I well remember friends we’ve known for over 30 years

You’ve been successful at work and helped your children grow into responsible adults.

4. When you’re older, happiness means being content with what you have.

As Sheryl Crowe sang, “It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.”

Happiness is not reserved just for the older generation, however. Researchers describe the “happiness curve” as a U-shaped one, with happiness at a high in your 20’s, dips in middle age and shoots back up again in your 50-60’s to be enjoyed for many years to come.

Overall, the research is worth noting – especially given the fact that many people think aging is a negative more than a positive experience. Just a little something to keep in mind if you’re dreading the number of candles on your next birthday cake.

As Gertrude Stein famously said, “You look ridiculous if you dance. You look ridiculous if you don’t dance. So you might as well dance.”

Do You Know Someone Who Could Use This?

The more I study and prepare for the Yes! I Said I Do! Marriage in Boundaries class, the more I am convinced that all couples should have this information in their toolbox.

I wonder if you know of a couple you'd like to sponsor; the $49 investment in their lives might be a life-saver!

This 3 hour class on April 17 from 9-noon MDT can help people who say: "I Want To Grow Old With you." While the divorce statistics are still threatening on the horizon, many marriages could be saved by applying these principles.

We'll be talking about "Why Do You Need Boundaries in Marriage?"

"What Happens When You DON'T have Healthy Boundaries"

"Boundaries FOR Your Marriage" - Each takes responsibility - and answers the question, "What do I need to understand/respect about the other person's way of communicating?

"Boundaries IN Your Marriage" - What marriage is not; rules for conflict resolution.

"Boundaries Around Your Marriage" - The pesky little flies in marriage

To register, or if you'd like to sponsor someone, go to: www.barbrarussell.com, scroll down to the "Virtual Marriage Class YISID"

Thanks for joining with me to decrease the divorce rate one couple at a time.

Barbra

They said, "I Want To Grow Old With You...." But how do you do that?

“I want to grow old with you...” How many couples say this - and how many are successful? To sit side by side when you’re old and gray - how do you do it? To get through the exciting “dating” stage, then build a life with job, kids, family and friends .... without losing the love, the connection, couples ask;

How do you do that?

Another common statement we hear at weddings: Love Is – 1 Corinthians 13 – Love is kind, patient, long-suffering, etc. etc.

What we don’t hear is what Love is NOT:

Love is not mind reading. – “If you loved me, you’d know!”

Love is not making assumptions

Love does not fix your insecurities

Love is not the courage you need to change you – although it can be support

Love does not mean changing the other into the person you want them to be

Join me as we discuss practical tips and tools to set boundaries AROUND your marriage, IN your marriage and FOR your marriage. Three hours of instruction, discussion and therapy for only $49; to register, and to see more details: Go to my web site for more details about this one-morning virtual class on April 17. Barbrarussell.com/Yes! I Said I Do!